Subject: His Momma

Dear Steve and Shirley I am a 43-year-old woman dating a 40-year-old man that owns his own home.  He is a great man but his mother has lived with him since her husband died 10 years ago.  She is healthy but not self-sufficient and neither of them are interested in her becoming more self-sufficient.  She is 62 years old and has not worked for the last 10 years.  We’ve dated for 2 years and he is interested in moving things to the next level.  I am concerned and do not know how I feel about this if his life becomes our life.  Should I look at this as warning sign of things to come or should I be happy that he loves his mother and just be prepared to join in on the enablement of his mother?  I don’t want to be selfish but this relationship is unlike anything I have seen before.  She calls me when she cannot find him.  He has to drive her everywhere and she seems very happy when he is sitting home with her. She cooks for him and does all the house work.  It is like he has a wife already we have discussed it but he is adamant about taking care of his mother.  She has been nice so far but things can change with 2 grown women under the same roof.  I am just looking for another perspective before making a decision I might regret.

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  1. Valerie says:

    LW –

    I would say that you need to sit down with the both of them before moving in to see where you stand and are going to stand in the household if you do move in. Definitely talk to him more about it as well. I commend men who take care of their mom’s. That is a true sign of how they will treat their wives.

    If you find that his mother has a little too much control and is unwilling to step back…I would definitely move on.

  2. Toyale W. says:

    Responding to his Momma…
    Why wont this lady listen to herself? When she proofread the letter, she knew there was no way, this is gonna work. The Momma has been in a serious relationship with her son since her husband died 10 years ago. Companionship without sex. The boyfriend will expect you to do what the momma did if you’re lucky enough to separate them.

  3. Lisa says:

    He is now married to his mother…Run!!! There’s no room for you.

  4. You knew this was a package deal when you met this man. He has been taking care of his mother every since his father past away. He probably made a promise to his father that he will always take care of mama. She has probably been a stay at home mother his entire life, and you expect her to go out and find a job at the retirement age of 62? Lady you are not using your head. Anyway, that may be her house they’re living in, and she could have the right to live there until she dies. He is happy with the situation and so is mama, so guess what? You need the except the fact that mama is always going to live there, she will be going out to dinner with the two of you often, even on vacations with you, so you better get use to it and learn to like it, or move the own. Your the only one who is unhappy with the situation. They aren’t going to let you move in and mess up their happy home. What do you thing he should do? Put her on an iceberg and let her float on out to sea so the polar bears can eat her? like the Eskimo’s use to do to their elderly people when they could no longer contribute to society? Shut up, suck it up, be nice to mama, or move on.

  5. I DON'T HAND HOLD says:

    Who do you know that is hiring 62 years old, who have been out of the work force for 10 years? I noticed you didn’t say she was mean or rude, you just don’t want her around. This is selfish, but I respect that. This living arrangement isn’t for everyone. If it’s not for you don’t waste your time or his.

  6. Carole Ann says:

    Maybe there’s a bigger picture you don’t see because you’re absorbed with SELF. His mother was there long before you and she’s not going anywhere.

    A deciding factor whether a woman should date a man is the way he treats his mother. He clearly LOVEs his mother and you should be GRATEFUL he loves her enough to care for her.

    This is simple and it’s a problem because you made it one.

    Have this conversation with him. Women can’t work together for 8-9 hours a day, so yes it’s going to be difficult to live under the same roof, but it’s doable.

    His mother doesn’t have a life. Is she open to meeting new people, going to BINGO, volunteering, attending a church – options are endless. Is she an AARP member – they sponsor events for age appropriate members.

    He owns his home, what are his thoughts about purchasing another home with an in-law apartment with a separate entrance AND buying her a puppy.

    Does she have disabilities/limitations that qualifies her to have a nurse/medical aide with her during the day and transportation to medical/dental appointments, the grocery store, etc.

    Is he her designated CAREGIVER and you don’t know it – does he claim his mother as his DEPENDENT on his taxes.

    What job did she have when she worked. If she was a teacher, could she go the library and read to children, become a teacher’s aide, or tutor. If she played an instrument, can she give lessons. Does she know how to sew, knit, or crochet. Was she or her husband ever in the military; they’re plenty of military activities should could be part of.

    Find out what her interests/likes are instead of making this about you because she’s just as uncomfortable as you. How do you think she feels about you invading her space.


  7. Letoya says:


  8. Ma’am, Get rid of him! You don’t want no mommas boy! It won’t stop until he puts his foot down which he hasn’t done yet so if you want to continue on then that’s your decision, just remember he has to make one too!

  9. Denise says:

    Talk to him first and ask direct questions about this situation. If his answers come down to him not putting you first as his wife then run, run like hell. This situation will not get better. It will get worse. The Bible says that when a man marries, he should leave his mother and father and cleave unto his wife. If he is not willing to do this then you have your answer.

  10. Clarence says:

    While I get Shirley’s response, I’m surprised at Steve for not reading between the lines. 3 things stick out which makes this woman’s claims suspect, her motives selfish, and why dude needs to RUN! 1. The mother has done nothing wrong. She admits this in her letter… all of her concerns are suppositions upon which she’s drawn a conclusion. 2. She’s not even talked with anyone about their future plans. Sure there’s a caveat about mentioning taking this to another level, but have they spoken about the parameters of their relationship? I thought Steve was an advocate of this type of communication. I don’t believe so because if so, it would be in this letter. 3. She’s placed a lot of demands on this brother & has not mentioned anything she brings to the table. I draw this conclusion not just because nothing was mentioned about who she is or what she brings, but because she’s so concerned about his house. If she was a strong, self sufficient sister at 42, why does she not have her own home? Does she not earn enough? Is her credit good enough? Is she self sufficient enough? Is the real issue that she’s jealous of the mother because she wants to be the one taken care of. The thing about the mother being the girlfriend, that Shirley disgustingly co-signed, was a major insult aimed at manipulation alone. What mind thinks of such repulsive stuff? Again, a mind like that alone, suggest this brother should run. All my wife’s and I friends and family who married in their 40s were equal to the task both either owned homes or were about to purchase one. I don’t believe this woman owned a home because she’s way too concerned about her place in his. Cooking is an issue here? Really? If she even had an apartment, why would they have a temporary option of letting mom stay there, while they work out details. None of these were options in the letter because they don’t exist. She brings nothing, save her vagina and I’m afraid that’s not enough. Vaginas are like cookies, there’s plenty to go around and you never have to settle for one that’s half baked. The real issue is this woman wants to move into this man’s house, kick the mother out and take over as queen. basic crap. She uses the old standby like “mother’s boy”, and the aforementioned disgusting “Mother is the girlfriend” to manipulate the discussion. Steve must be losing his touch not to see this. Shirley, I get. I have heard her flipflop on relationship issues with these letters enough to see she’s one of those sisters who want it all but bring nothing. A tall, dark and handsome, former thug (off the corner brother) turned church deacon, who’s taken his street knowledge and parlayed it into some great econ/business career. he must love his mother to prove he can respect a woman, but be prepared to cast her aside when she comes along. Such BS is why many a sister sits alone to this day while brothers get hooked up with the White girl or Asian girl.and FYI, yeah I’m blessed. My parents are gone to glory, but I’m married programmer to a Black woman who brought something to the relationship (like a masters degree in IT and a career) with 3 kids, 1 in college, last one in preschool. Now Shirley is successful, but she preaches that message and to be honest most brothers with a pair ain’t going to have no woman step into his life and force him to kick his mother to the curb to bring her in. Who does that? Steve, each negative you mentioned cited her attempt to manipulate this situation to one where she’s in and the mother’s unceremoniously out (I say this because she never presented an option, just wanted her gone… all this is in the letter either literally or by omission). Steve, I’m so surprised at you on this one. I got this read between the line thing from you. Anyhoo, the one thing we do agree on is that this relationship ain’t going to work. Dude needs to leave her to the next man… and for all those brother lucky enough to have their mothers still with them, don’t let no woman use the Bible to manipulate you to cast her aside. You can cleave to your wife and take care of your mother. Do adjustments have to be made? Of course (who says the mother’s not prepared for or considered that?), but none of that was ever the case here. Its obvious that her objective is for the mother to be out and her to be in. RUN! RUN! Brother… before its too late. The sister that will bring something to the table to be a true helpmate is looking for you. Leave this manipulative sister to the next sucker… er, I mean brother.

  11. ER says:

    I have been with my husband for 4 years and married for 2 years. His mother recently moved into our home for the second time within our 2 years of marriage due to not being able to sustain herself. We continue to have multiple huge arguments about her moving out and why am I the one who makes the decisions within my own home and within my own marriage. I married my husband because he was and continues to be the best man I ever met in my life but this power struggle between his mother and I is a major problem and is starting to take a toll on both my marriage and my happiness. My heart goes out to any woman suffering in the same situation. I guess the ultimate question would be am I happy within my marriage? Unfortunately, my answer at this moment would have to be no. I say this with hurt, sadness, disappointment and frustration within my heart.

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