Subject: I got the party started without him

Good Morning Steve and Shirley, I am a 34 year-old female and my fiancé is 38. We are getting married in a month. We have our differences, but we tend to work things out in the end. Our only problem happens when it’s time to get sexual. He does not get my body ready, if you know what I mean. I talk to him about it, but he still does not believe in foreplay.  Sometimes I have to relax my body in my own way, to get ready for him. The other day, since he never wants to take the time out to get me ready, I did it myself. I went in my special box and got out my “toy” and played with it for a few hours before he got home from work. I forgot and left the toy in the bed and started doing house work. When he came home, he saw my toy on the bed and he got really upset. He knows that I have toys, but he was upset because I used one instead of waiting for him. I told him that I used it to get ready for him. He doesn’t see it that way. Now he is talking about cutting me off from sex. Can you please tell me if I did something wrong or is he over reacting?


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  1. Fay R says:

    ROTDF……Don’t hate the toy hate the game it play….LOL ….big dummy you should do your job and you wouldn’t have to be jealous of a battery operated man : ) : ) : )….he probably being unfaithful anyway, because what man would cut you off from sex, in what world…he sound straight up suspect……watch him girlfriend !!!!! P. S Don’t marry that fool, if he don’t make a good fiancé he not gone make a good husband…I keep telling women , they don’t change because you get married !

  2. Shanice says:

    I have the same problem but it figure its better than cheating.

  3. Mattie Mae says:

    I believe he’s cheating. What man, who is about to get married, tells his future bride he’s going to cut her off? I don’t think he’s cutting himself off from sex completely.

  4. My goodness girl! Why did you marry him! Here is another case of a woman settling again just so she can be a married woman. He wasn’t warming you up before y’all got married, so what in the world convinced you that he was going to suddenly change after y’all got married? And he is selfish as hell. He don’t give a Damn if you’re warmed up are not. That’s gotta hurt sometimes. I can’t believe who put up with it so long. I wouldn’t give a damn if he’s upset. You should be the one upset! You should have cut him off from sex instead of him cutting you off! You have a very selfish husband who is only concerned about his own ego. To be angry with you for preparing yourself because he’s not into foreplay is insane. Both of you are nuts. Your crazy if you let him treat you this way. Keep using your toy and let him please himself. Don’t give him ANY! He will change. If not divorce him. He Will never change. Been there and done that. You have lied to him to long. You pretended like the sex was great when it wasn’t. Now look what’s happened.

  5. RAVINIA says:

    Drop him. If he is selfish in the bedroom he is selfish in other areas too. OPEN YOUR EYES AND SEE IT FOR WHAT IT IS. If you still trying to marry this person you are definitely marrying for the wrong reason. If he loves you he would do what he can to make you happy. Also retire the toys for a couple of weeks and see if there is a change. You need to seriously sit down with each other and talk, talk, and talk as to what you expect out of your possible marriage.

  6. Janeen says:

    If you are not sexually compatible the relationship is not going to work. And frankly your man is selfish! Everyone should be willing to try new things and be willing to meeting the other half way if there is a problem in the bed room. It seems like he has already cut you off from sex and that is very childish. You should ask yourself if this is really someone you want to be married to and how important sex will be. Will you end up cheating because of this? Something to think about.

  7. Gerald Daniels says:

    I can understand why he’s upset. But at the same time, you have to understand that some men won’t say it, but they’re intimidated by “toys”. Because they don’t understand the benefits of them. And they think that women would rather use them instead of being with their mates. By you telling him what you want should’ve made him want to try what you’re asking him for. Once he realizes that “toys” can be a great addition to their sex life. You sex life will go through the roof. But he has to be willing to at least try.

  8. Valerie says:


    Something doesn’t sound correct to me. First you say that he doesn’t stimulate you during sex and he found out that you used a toy without him…he is upset and he is going to cut you off. What man does that? Do you really want to marry someone who is so selfish? I think there is something wrong with the lines of communication within your relationship. I also feel that you are leaving something out of your letter that may be a key point.

    Before you walk down that aisle…I would definitely discuss this and get it straight so that you BOTH are satisfied.

  9. vana says:

    First off, why would you marry a man who did not believe in foreplay? Foreplay is numero uno on the sex list of things, I would want. You explained that you need foreplay and I don’t understand why he doesn’t get that. He is obvious not sensitive to your needs. If he cuts off sex with you, he is punishing himself as well as you. Continue with your toy. His insecure behind will eventually seek sex elsewhere and present this issue to the new woman. Yes he is overreacting!

  10. Patsy Banks says:

    Honey, little does he know, he’s already cut you off from sex!! Ha!! It is mind boggling when you get all ready to love your lover and he’s NOT THERE! It makes it even worse when he won’t even open his mind to new things, things that will be pleasing to you so that you can be pleasing to him. If he cuts you off then…..maybe its just as well. Cut your losses. Maybe he’ll figure it out eventually and it may well be too late.

  11. I DON'T HAND HOLD says:

    Yes you did something wrong! You agreed to marry him. Why would you marry someone who is thoughtless? He is too old to not know how to please a woman. In fact, that’s on you. You’ve allowed this behavior. The marriage vows are until death do we part! How long can you put up with this? Foreplay makes it nice for everyone. I would never stay with a man who used me as an object to please himself. If my needs aren’t being met he has to go. Obviously your need to be with someone supersedes logic and reason. This marriage won’t last, you will eventually wake up, when you get fed up. By then you’ll have kids and they will have visits with their dad.

  12. Casey says:

    Why bother to get married to this dude if he does not care about what you need to be satisfied? I was like you once as well and now I am in a loveless, sexless marriage. News flash! They are always over reacting…. just so they can go out and do their own thing on the side with whomever. Bypass the headache and stay free and single. The men you meet will be willing to get you jump started.

  13. John says:

    If your man is too selfish to please you sexually, you need to leave him. Despite what others may say, sex is a big and important part of a relationship. Do not marry this man and live your life deprived of pleasure. He doesn’t want to please you and at the same time he doesn’t want you to please yourself. I say bounce! You could have just as easily cheated but instead you respected the relationship. Plenty of men out there who will give you what you want.

  14. Ike says:

    Yeah, He is Threatening to Cut You Off from Sex because You Play with Toys to get You into the MOOD, he will EVENTUALLY CUT Himself OUT of Your Life because You are GOING into Your Sexual Prime Years and He is not Taking Care of His BUSINESS which will OPEN the Door for someone else to. A REAL Woman needs a Man to Satisfy Her like a REAL Man needs a Woman and Boy’s & Girl’s just won’t do it in the Long Run and Grown, Mature People tend to Move On after a while of Frustration and Love just AIN’T enough after a while of waiting for the Other Person to Come Around.We Go Out and Find what We are Looking for whether it’s Good for Us or Not we go Looking after a while until we find it or keep LOOKING for it even in the WRONG Places just to be Happy just for that Moment at least.

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