Subject: Should I keep waiting for my man?

Dear Steve and Shirley, I am a 39 year old mother of 4. Three of my children are from the guy I am with now and I have one from a previous relationship. So, here is my story…

My man is my childhood crush and I always wanted to be with him. When we got together, it was great. We were making love, traveling, and everything. Then one morning I received a phone call from a female saying she was his wife. She ended up only being a girlfriend. Since then, it has been a non-stop entourage of females. He has had a lot of flings and full blown relationships with other women. All the while I have been having his babies. Each time I get pregnant, he leaves and does not help me during the pregnancy. I tried to leave him and I even moved to another state, but he told me that we could make it work, so I went back to him. When I got back with him, I went through his phone and found out that he was still cheating and when I asked him about it, he said he cheats because I don’t have sex with him enough. We recently had our 3rd child. We did not have sex throughout the entire pregnancy or 5 months after the baby was born. We recently had sex for my birthday, but that was it. We were supposed to get married in May, but I went through is phone again, saw some text messages, and called the wedding off.  He leaves town every weekend, saying he is going to go work, but I found out that he is talking to his ex-girlfriend… this is the girl he left me for 2 years ago. He is texting her and telling her that she is so amazing and he wants to marry her. Yes, I know I am not supposed to be going through his phone, but I still love this man after all these years. Please help.

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  1. Fay R says:

    OMG….girl get some self worth, you gone let him keep dogging you out like this, he will never change this is who he is a liar and a cheater, you deserve better, believe what he is showing you, please do not marry this low life, if he don’t make a good boyfriend he will not make a good husband, what is wrong with us women ….Lord help us, are you that insecure, please get away from him, this hurts me so bad I use to be you, thinking he will change and I wasted 10+ years, and now I’m divorced and its the best thing that ever happened to me, I’m the happiest I ever been in my life, you don’t need a man to validate you, take a chance stand up for yourself cut him off , you will be fine just like I am….!!!!

  2. PerpetualBlogger says:


  3. This is such a sad sad sad case of low self worth. I do not feel sorry for anyone who allows themselves to be treated in such a way. I would be different if you didn’t know. Who he is. And what he was doing. But you have full knowledge. Knowledge is power knowledge is key. So use your power to get out of this situation that your in

  4. Tazzie says:

    What would you tell your DAUGHTER to do?
    What would your GRANDMOTHER tell you to do?
    Stop thinking with your HEART and think with your HEAD..

  5. Joe S. says:

    Lady, are you that stupid???? You sound like a teenager, not a 39-year old. YOU AIN’T GOT NO MAN….You’re “sharing” one, period, and reading your own letter anybody and everybody can see he’s NEVER been YOUR man. You keep making babies with someone that does NOT respect you, or the children, and from reading this letter they are going to grow up and be hot messes because there’s not a real adult between their mother or father, and if you have daughters they are going to think it’s OK for men to do what their father does, because MOMMY is accepting it, so it must be OK,and the boys are going to treat other people’s daughter’s the same way Daddy is doing Mommy. And you keep it up, you might end up paying a hefty price because of his promiscuity he might leave you something you don’t want, can’t get rid of, and may kill you. I would tell you to get a clue, and a life, but again, reading your letter that ship has sailed. At this point I have ZERO sympathy for you.

  6. I believe you need to seriously consider all the things that has been going on and ask yourself can you live with all the things he has done from now on.

    If your answer is NO. Then move on. You are obviously not enough to fill the desires he have and since you want him so bad, with the way he is, do you really think he will stop being himself?

    Going thru a mans phone is what we do to find out what he is not telling us. How much more evidence you need?

    Push on Sista. Fix it so when he sees the children, you are never there. Occupy yourself with other things and never talk to him outside of what is needed for the children.

    He will ask you why are you avoiding him, and when he ask are you dating someone, Tell him, ask me no questions, I’ll tell you no lies.

    I am sure there is someone else out in this world who can be a better companion.

  7. notfornogames says:

    Why are you continuing having babies for a man who doesn’t love you enough to make you his wife? who keeps cheating on you? who left you two years ago and you took him back? he is doing what you are allowing him to do to you. You have been giving this man wifey benefits and you are just a “baby momma”. The problem isn’t him, it’s you. Leave that man alone, put him on child support and raise your kids.

  8. Chat says:

    Leave that man, and go straight to the doctor you need STD/HIV testing, the women are not the problem, you are don’t allow someone that much power over you, you have to be here for your children. Put on your big girl panties and grow up…..

  9. A Lady says:

    “but I still love this man after all these years. ”

    Dear LW,

    This statement in itself says it all. It says that you like too many women out here have absolutely NO concept of what a good and honorable man is….none. Not only have you ALLOWED this man to keep disrespecting you to no end with his constant cheating, but you also have ALOWED yourself to keep getting pregnant and bringing children into this world with a worthless cheater. That’s the worst part about this entire letter. Have you ever heard of birth control? I’d strongly suggest you start using it because you don’t need to keep bringing babies until this world under such circumstances. I’d also suggest you get yourself checked out for STDs since you continue to have sex with this man KNOWING that he’s cheating and sleeping with everything under the sun.

    He lies to you, uses you, sexes you up and leaves you, and cheats on you…….and this is the caliber of a man whom you want to marry; the caliber of man who you want to wait on? You apparently had no positive father nor male figure in your life to set any standards by. This is evidenced by your lack of standards and requirements when choosing men.

    The smartest thing you’ve stated is that you called off the wedding. Now do another smart thing for yourself and your children and LEAVE this man ALONE. Move on and get as far away from this man as possible. Do not think for one minute that marrying him will change him because it won’t. He will continue to cheat on you and you will continue to tolerate it for the “sake of your marriage.” He’s shown you who and what he is for years but you’ve refused to SEE it. Don’t you think it’s about time you opened your eyes?? It’s been well past time actually.

  10. Wessie says:

    You are too old to be this foolish! He has played you for all its worth. You have had 3 babies with him, been left multiple times, been disrespected in word, thought, and deed, and you STILL want to marry him?!??!!! Wake up and smell the coffee, sweetie—you haven’t required anything from him and he has given you just that–nothing! Let this loser go, raise your kids, get some self-esteem, and THEN worry about getting a man. Good luck!

  11. Keith says:

    Please stop bringing babies into this world with this man. He is never going to change. Find someone that truly loves you and want to be with you.

  12. Oh My Starz!!! Ma’am all the signs you have seen is there! Why are you still with him or trying to be with him! He’s clearly dogging you and doesn’t want anything with you. Words don’t speak anything, but actions show all. You need to leave him and be with someone else that will respect you and your children! YOU have to acquire some SELF WORTH ASAP or every man that comes to you WILL walk over you! Do better please!!!!

  13. SB says:

    The missing link is that she is blinded by what is actually in front of her. To be 39 and with 4 children is a blessing; God made babies and fools … need I say more?

    This “man” who acts like a boy in the sandbox is playing you like he’s playing himself and the other ladies he’s been with. Listen, he does not want to be involved physically and emotionally. So my suggestion for this 39 year old single mother of 4 is to get yourself together, gather up your stuff and dial the number to begin “child support”.

    But, you are a grown ass woman and you are seeking help, well listen to the advise that was given (I sure hope you listened to the station) and do something NOW for this 4th child LATER.

    Unless, you can continue raising your 4th child (innocent child) like you have been doing with his/her other siblings? ijs

  14. I DON'T HAND HOLD says:

    What do you need help with? You have kids with a man who’s not your man. He’s a community man. You can find him around the way. Sounds like things were going great until you got pregnant. You thought he was a catch and you were going to lock him down. You never learned, having a child doesn’t keep a man. This didn’t stop you. You kept popping out babies! Now you want help. Cool your heels, be a mother to your kids. This man doesn’t want you! He’s with other women! He proposed to someone else! You made this bed!

  15. OMG!!!! Here is another one of those letters that leads me to believe that nobody is listening to Shirley or Steve’s advice. How many of these types of letters have they read to us in the past 3 months? I would say 80% are “What shall I do” letters. They’re all the same. The women are being cheated on, they’re being treated worst than dogs, and these silly women think that if they keep having babies by these men, (who don’t give a damn if they ever see them again) that’s gonna make him stay and change. I can’t take it! I’m with Tommy, where is the birth control? Did she really believe he would marry her? OMG!!! Holding child support threats over a man’s head won’t make him want you. Men marry the smart women, women that can provide intellectual stimulation. They’re not gonna marry a stupid door mat of a women. Go on with your life with your four kids. Man did you dig yourself a hole. Forget about this man. Take his ass to child support court. Oh, so your another one of them “If I take him to court he will never want me again”. And you sit at home alone, kids hungry, utilities always getting turned off, and the kids father could care less. Get your tubes tied! Better yourself for your kids, and stop trying to make having a man your top priority in life. Listen to Shirley and Steve when they read these letters. Stop repeating these same stupid mistakes.

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